"Pilot" Transcript

This is a transcript for S01E01 of New Girl.

Director: Jake Kasdan

Writer: Elizabeth Meriwether

Original air date: 20 September 2011

Current IMDb rating: 7.3/10 (03/05/13)

Cast
Zooey Deschanel - Jessica "Jess" Day

Jake Johnson - Nick Miller

Max Greenfield - Schmidt

Damon Wayans Jr. - Coach

Hannah Simone - Cecilia "Cece" Parekh

Mary Elizabeth Ellis - Caroline

Gillian Vigman - Kim

Ian Wolterstorff - Spencer

Ashton Swinford - Rochelle

David Neher - Benjamin

Jack Yang - Peter

Andy Scott Harris - Groaning boy

Hayley Marie Norman - Hot hostess

Lauren Dair Owens - Young Jess

Steve Bannos - Cab driver

Act 1
[THE APARTMENT - Close up of JESS, she's sat on a sofa.]

JESS: So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like "Oh my god, there's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on in the dark", and you're like "what is your problem? Call the police", and she's like "okay" but it's too late because she's already getting murdered. Well, er, my story's kind of like that.

[FLASHBACK - "TWO WEEKS AGO" - JESS is in a taxi, she's on the phone to CECE, who is in her apartment.]

JESS: It's a surprise for Spencer. I'm just gonna walk in there, I'm gonna drop my coat on the ground. He says he had this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, and he's helping me put myself through college.

CECE: He didn't say the college part, did he?

JESS: Um, no, I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character.

CECE: Really? What's your stripper name?

JESS: Uh... Rebecca Johnson?

CECE: Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?

JESS: Boobies Johnson. Two-boobs Johnson.

CECE: Look at you. In the back of a cab, totally naked. I am so proud of you.

[TIME JUMP - SPENCER'S HOUSE - JESS enters through the front door.]

JESS: Hellooo? I came home early.

[SPENCER steps out of a room, wearing nothing but his underwear.]

SPENCER: [Surprised] Jess. What-

JESS: Who's Jess? You're talking to... Tiger Boobs.

[JESS takes off her coat and drops it on the ground, now completely naked.]

SPENCER: Oh...

[JESS picks up a pillow, covers herself and starts dancing seductively a bit and sings a little stripper tune.]

JESS: [Singing] I'm doing sexy things- [starts trotting to the side] with the pillow.

SPENCER: This-

JESS: [While shaking a plant, singing] She's doing sexy stuff to the plant right-

[The plant falls over, making a mess.]

SPENCER: Woah, okay.

JESS: [Singing] I'll pick that up later.

JESS: [Turns around, singing] Who's that girl? [Louder] Who's that girl? [Spins back around] It's Jess!

[Another girl stands by SPENCER in her underwear.]

SPENCER: Um...

[Jess stands and stares in absolute shock.

[Close up of a ribbon dropping to the floor that was previously covering JESS' lady parts. END FLASHBACK - Back in THE APARTMENT.]

JESS: So, that happened. That's why I need a new apartment. I'm sorry, what was the question again?

[We now see NICK, SCHMIDT and COACH sat opposite JESS on the other sofa. They're all staring at her, speechless.]

NICK: Do you have any pets?

[OPENING CREDITS]

[THE APARTMENT - EVERYONE remains where they were before the opening credit.]

JESS: You know what's funny? When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women.

[NICK, SCHMIDT and COACH laugh and joke a bit, SCHMIDT suddenly turns serious.]

SCHMIDT: Why would you think that? That's crazy. I mean, what-

NICK: Schmidt wrote the add.

JESS: Oh. I guess it was something about the words you used. It was like, er, like "sun-soaked" and "beigey".

[NICK and COACH laugh more, SCHMIDT takes off his top.]

NICK: What are you doing?

COACH: Wow.

SCHMIDT: What about these? These look beigey to you?

NICK: I'm sorry.

COACH: I'm his trainer so, er, it's kind of the house that coach built here.

[COACH slaps SCHMIDT's abs and rubs them a bit.]

NICK: What are we looking at here? That's baby smooth.

SCHMIDT: This is LLS. Ladies Love Schmidt.

COACH: What!? What did you just say? Go put a dollar in the jar right now.

[We see a jar sat on a table with the label "DOUCHEBAG JAR".]

SCHMIDT: Are you serious?

COACH: Yeah! Now.

SCHMIDT: Dammit.

[SCHMIDT gets up and walks out of shot, putting a dollar in the douchebag jar on his way.]

NICK: LLS, what is wrong with you?

JESS: [Now standing] This place is beautiful. It gets so much light. Spencer hated light. It's hard to say his name.

SCHMIDT: It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped.

NICK: [Sniggering] Dumped. Yeah, I got dumped.

[FLASHBACK - A RESTAURANT - NICK and his ex-girlfriend, CAROLINE are sat at a table.]

NICK: [With hands over his hears, shouting over Caroline] I can't hear you, that means we're not breaking up! We can't break up if I can't hear you! No! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

CAROLINE: [While Nick is shouting] I need a break. Yes, we're breaking up. I'm breaking up with you. I need some time away-

[END FLASHBACK - Back in THE APARTMENT.]

NICK: Yeah, I got dumped. She dumped. And I'm over it. Okay, it was six months ago, guys. Get past it. I don't even know why we're still talking about it. Why's everybody looking at me?

[NICK puts his head in his hands. Suddenly NICK, SCHMIDT and COACH approach JESS, who is in the kitchen now, they stand on the opposite side of a counter.]

JESS: You know what, I want to live here.

NICK: Actually, I still have some questions. I mean, like, no offence but we barely know ya.

JESS: Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full disclosure, I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the break-up so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing at least 6 or 7 times... a day.

[COACH shakes his head slightly, looks ab it disgusted.]

JESS: Um, I'm a teacher so I bring home a lt of popsicle sticks, stuff like that. Also, I like to sing to myself - a lot. [Singing] A lot... I'm tired of living with my friend. She's a model. All her friends are models.

SCHMIDT: [Excited] Er, how soon can you move in?

NICK: Actually, Schmidt, slow down.

COACH: Not happening.

SCHMIDT: Okay, um, can you give us a second? I've just gotta.. [Thumping his chest] I gotta talk to my boys.

NICK: "My boys" is not a thing in here.

SCHMIDT: My bros.

NICK: Douchebag jar.

SCHMIDT: Come on, you're my bros.

[TIME JUMP - THE APARTMENT - NICK, SCHMIDT and COACH are in the bathroom talking.]

SCHMIDT: I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. Okay, you guys? Models.

COACH: I say no. I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, and let my beans out. Let 'em breathe.

SCHMIDT: Nick, it's all you, buddy.

NICK: Well, first, let me say I think you guys make some really interesting points. Points that I respect, but I will say this. I have lived with a woman, Caroline, as you guys know, and so I know that there are pros and I know that there are real cons, guys.

COACH: Nick, you're weak!

NICK: Okay, pro: they smell nice. Cons: every once in a while, the mood changes and you're not sure why. They'll ruin your life if you let 'em, they'll break down your will to live. Pros: they're really good at folding.

COACH: Make a decision!

NICK: I'm sorry, you know what? But, like, another pro, like when you-

SCHMIDT: Don't do it, put it down.

COACH: Don't.

NICK: I got it.

[Puts a hood on and slowly pulls it over his face.]

SCHMIDT: Don't hood me. Please don't hood me. Okay.

NICK: I know what I'm talking about.

COACH: We pushed him too hard.

SCHMIDT: We did push him too hard. How about this? Executive decision, she's in.

JESS: [Out of shot] Yay, I'm in!

[SCHMIDT walks over and opens the bathroom door. JESS is stood there.]

JESS: You are not gonna regret this.

[TIME JUMP - THE APARTMENT - JESS sits alone on the floor watching Dirty Dancing, she is surrounded by used tissues and wrappers. NICK, SCHMIDT and COACH stare from a difference.]

NICK: What have you done, Schmidt?

[COACH stares at SCHMIDT, who shrugs like whaaat?]

[THE APARTMENT - JESS lies on a sofa watching Dirty Dancing, it's still quite messy around her, she's on the phone to her mother.]

JESS: I gotta go, mom. [Gap] No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing.

[NICK enters.]

JESS: No, I don't think so. [To NICK] Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet?

NICK: Yes, I am.

JESS: He says no.

[SCHMIDT and COACH enter, they've been working out.]

JESS: No, look, I gotta go, okay? Alright, love you. Bye.

SCHMIDT: So the Wild West party's on Saturday. I'm trying to get us in but you may need to call Caroline.

NICK: [Quickly] I'm not calling Caroline.

SCHMIDT: Hear me out.

[NICK shushes SCHMIDT and puts his hand on SCHMIDT's mouth.]

JESS: [Singing along with Dirty Dancing] ... had the time of my life.

NICK: [Pointing at Jess] We are in this situation because of you.

[Jess begins punching the sofa/pillows in the background.]

JESS: I hate your face, Spencer, I love you!

NICK: It has been a week of this madness. I am going crazy, Schmidt, I can't take it.

COACH: You know what? I got this.

[Coach walks over to Jess and sits on the coffee table opposite her.]

JESS: Hi, Coach.

COACH: [Firmly] Stop it. Stop.

[Jess starts wailing even louder than before.]

COACH: Schmidt!

SCHMIDT: Okay. Alright. I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out. Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. [TV turning off sound.] Alright. Alright, hey, Jess.

[Jess just points at the TV.]

SCHMIDT: How you doing?

[Jess shrugs like PUT THE TV BACK ON.]

SCHMIDT: You look fantastic. Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? You don't have to work. You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take you out. We'll get you a rebound.

JESS: A rebound?

SCHMIDT: Yeah.

JESS: I don't know if I'm ready.

SCHMIDT: You're totally ready for it, I'll take you through the whole thing. You know, I'll be like your guide!

JESS: Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?

SCHMIDT: Probably not like-, okay, first of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references, let's put 'em in a deep, dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever.

JESS: Except Smeagol. [Whispering] He lives in a cave.

SCHMIDT: You know what, Jess? Come on. Let's just take the head off the couch. Come on. Sit up, girl.

[JESS sits up straight.]

SCHMIDT: Look at that, doesn't that feel good? There we go.

JESS: I think that sounds nice. [Singing] She's going out to find a rebound. Who's that girl? It's Jess!

NICK: Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself?

SCHMIDT: [After some hesitation] I'ma-, I'ma fix it.

NICK: I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party.