Neighbors

Neighbors is the fourth episode of the second season of New Girl, and the 28th episode overall.

Summary
New neighbors move in the apartment across from Jess and the guys. Schmidt wants to be friends to the 20-year olds, but he does not fit, and they think that Jess is great. Meanwhile, Nick plays pranks on Schmidt to make him think he is old.

Recap
The guys come home and settle up their bet that Jess would be lying on the couch. She's in the middle of a TGIF marathon. She tries out her best Urkel, then Balki and Fraiser Crane. She's happy in her new job at Casserole Shanty, where in 18 months she'll be rolling into some sweet dental coverage.

Cut to Jess calling for more bean from a trough. Schmidt explains what he did today. The guys predict "crushed it."

"You used to inspire me, not specifically, because I find teaching to be icky, but in a vague, 'Look at that go getter in a brightly colored sweater' kind of way," Schmidt tell Jess, wondering what happened.

There's a knock on the door. A group of hipster 20somethings just moved in across the hall. Chaz, Fife, Sutton and Brory. Schmidt offers a fist bump. They warn him they're having people over later and warn it might be loud. Schmidt is excited and says they'll be there. "Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people...." Chaz says.

Later, Schmidt tries console himself with his $49.95 a month real time actuarial service, he thinks he'll live to be 123, so he's still young. Winston is disturbed that it shows the life expectancy for an African-American male to be 67 years, but minus a year if you frequently question your career choice or have few opportunities for advancement.

Nick enjoys getting older, he feels like he's aging into his personality.

They head over to the younguns apartment. Jess is bringing casserole from work and Nick is wearing Old Spice. One of them answers and announces: "tonight's been notched down to a chill-hang." Winston and Nick bail.

The kids watch "Top Gun" on a laptop on the couch, Schmidt spoils that Goose dies. Chaz notices Jess brought Casserole Shanty and conclude she's just "figuring it out" like them. Schmidt starts to talk about his job and they moo him quiet.

Jess knocks over a bowl of popcorn and does her Urkel "Did I do that?" impression. Having never heard it before, they find it hilarious.

The next morning, Schmidt brags to Nick and Winston that they missed an "unreal hang." She loves that the kids think she made up her 80s catch phrases. But Nick guesses they hate Schmidt. He decides to prank him, but turns down Winston's offer to help, even after he calls himself "Prank Sinatra."

Nick says Winston goes way too small... flashback to them as kids trying to decide what to do to a sleeping teacher, and Winston suggesting they pour a little juice by her shoe... Or way too big... Winston suggests they hit her in the throat with a ski.

Schmidt comes out of his room, complaining that his hip is killing him. After he leaves, Nick reveals a shoe box full of shoe heel shavings, each of Schmidt's left shoes is 1/8 shorter than the right.

Winston suggests they take the shavings and put them by Schmidt's car. "That's not a prank, that's just kind of littering," Nick says, telling Winston to think bigger.

Nick leaves to fill a pitcher with pee to pour on Schmidt's bed to make him think he's incontinent. "Got an idea, instead of urine -- we use acid! Put it on his face," Winston says.

Later that night, Schmidt and Jess go to the kids' apartment. Schmidt worries his pants are too long, Nick picked them up from the drycleaners and they're sagging.

Jess warns Schmidt that the kids hate him and he'll be able to tell by the way they change the subject every time he says something.

They get off the elevator and when Schmidt asks if they're hanging out, they compliment Jess's hair. Schmidt asks about his sideburns and one mentions a plane ticket.

They invite Jess over for artichokes and hula hooping. There's a long awkward pause where Schmidt isn't invited. Finally, one cracks. Schmidt sees what's happening and pretends to answer a phone call with another offer. They walk off with Jess and Schmidt fiddles with his pants, pulling them up so he looks like Clint Eastwood (modern day).

Nick works furiously on rigging Schmidt's chair. He got up at 5 a.m. to switch Schmidt's fiber pills for placebos.

Jess comes home in the morning and curls up on the couch to sleep off a ton of quinoa. Winston is envious of Nick's passion for ruining Schmidt's life and draws inspiration from it. Schmidt comes in and announces he's "cons-to-the-pizzo." (Constipated.)

He sits down in the chair Nick rigged, sinking to the bottom like an old man. When he turns on the TV, Nick says he's blasting it. Schmidt concludes the kids hate him because he's old.

When he hears that three of the kids are in a "tri-ad" relationship, he begs Jess to help him make them forget he's old.

When she says he's not, he measures himself against his wall mark and comes up short. He thinks he's shrinking. Nick confesses he took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, made a copy at an architect's office and then did a spackle and silkscreen job. "It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now," he tells Jess.

"Jess this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say: Please help me be cool," Schmidt says.

Winston charges into work, announcing he doesn't want to be an assistant any more and then mixing some sports metaphors.

At the kid's place, Schmidt comes in wearing skinny jeans, a scarf and a t-shirt that says "Registered Sex Defender." Jess tells him he way overshot it.

He tries to show off his parkour moves and kicks beer on Jess. Chaz invites her to throw her dress in his laundry for his mom to do next time she's there.

Their praise Jess for getting their dish washer to work (she turned it on), then wonder why there's no dish dryer. Jess starts to hear how lame they sound as they want to focus on their art or move to Prague. Jess announces they can't be friends anymore because their relationship is built on a lie. She sends them all a link to Urkel.

Back in the loft, Jess tells Schmidt he tried too hard. He thinks that's the difference between them and she deduces that he thinks she gave up. She explains that she got fired and doesn't like working at the Casserole Shanty. He urges her not to give up teaching, try drivers ED or CPR.

She consoles herself that at least she's not 23, and at least she can legally rent a car.

The kids come over and say they want to hang out, they don't care if she stole her catch phrase from a low budget web series.

Nick shuffles through in his bathrobe, hacking. They run as Jess tells them to leave before he gets his "old" on them.

Schmidt tells Chaz not to hate him because he's old. Chaz tells Schmidt that's not why they hate him, "We hate you because you're a viciously unbearable asshead."

Schmidt is relieved and hugs Chaz.

In the morning, Winston announces he's been promoted to producer of his own sports talk show, 2:35 to 5:35 a.m.

Jess can't believe she spent the last three days trying to impress people who don't have bedframes. Nick spent the time pouring urine on a grown man's bed. They marvel over how much they could get done if they just spent that time on worthwhile things. Nick mentions he meant $1,200 to $1,300 on Schmidt's pranks, even though he doesn't have that kind of money, noting that prescription contact lenses are expensive.

She warns him never to prank her. She gets up and walks away. "This is like the end of a horror movie," she says. "Or the beginning of a pranking movie," he says.

In the morning, Schmidt wonders why he can't see with his contacts in. He puts on his robe, which has a hunch back in it. Winston comes in with a ski. "Ha ha! I'm gonna hit your ass with a ski, get some!"

Quotes

 * “Man, I want to care about something as much as you care about ruining Schmidt’s life.”
 * ―Winston


 * “They call me Prank Sinatra.”
 * ―Winston


 * “If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn’t hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I’d be rich — like, fill-my-gas-tank-all-the-way-up rich.”
 * ―Nick


 * “Those guys are so much fun. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been up for 48 hours, so I’m going to just sleep off an ass-ton of quinoa.”
 * ―Jess

Notes & Trivia

 * Hannah Simone, who plays Cece Meyers, is absent in this episode but is still credited.

Main

 * Zooey Deschanel as Jessica Day
 * Jake Johnson as Nick Miller
 * Lamorne Morris as Winston Bishop
 * Max Greenfield as Schmidt
 * Hannah Simone as Cece Meyers

Guest

 * Charlie Saxton as Chaz
 * Morgan Krantz as Fife
 * Jinny Chung as Sutton
 * Jasmine Di Angelo as Brorie
 * Stone Eisenmann as Young Nick
 * Jordan Fuller as Young Winston